tsaier

I still think about you every god damned day...Sometimes I wish I never tried to spark something again. When my mind was numb for no apparent reason it felt a shit ton better than how I feel right now. I can't get you out of my head or let you move on, I feel I can't move on either. I feel like I deserved this heartbreak, I know I wasn't a good boyfriend. I have learned so much about jealousy, value of other humans, and the future. Caring for a relationship is like tending a fire, one must keep it stoked with fresh air and fresh wood (if you don't mind the pun, guhuhuh).

Sometimes my mind would just be blank about what to do, because you loved me so much, I really had no idea Anyone could love me the way you did. I just didn't know what to do...at all! I am so confused about how to handle serious relationships, I end up just fucking it up for no real reason than just to think about myself in a unhealthy way.

I am constantly thinking about how I might have fucked up big time with letting you go. like, life changing moment without even knowing it, we would have had kids and been together for the rest of our lives if I just thought about it harder and knew how to respond to myself. Fucking aye, I'm a DOLT! a dummy! A flooosey!

Well, before I go off into the oblivion of thinking about you and how much I want to call you I need to get the hell up and get ready for work. Im in Seattle, I want to stay here. Start all over.

I need to concentrate on enjoying all aspects in life right now, especially work. Arrrrrg, what am I going to do when I get home! I am confused about relationships. Crap.

Not having you in my life fucking SUCKS.  :(
I miss theeverlovingfuckingshit out of you.
this is unfair to say to you I know, but I just had to say SOMETHING.
sdokl;jfnsdkjlfhn

I have been so depressed, before and after you left. I don't know what the hell is the matter.

I'm so so sorry :(

I haven't posted in over a year.

I have lot's to say, but not much time to say what is on my mind.

This demanding feeling of "go out and get the shit you want for yourself" is very strong in me right now.  I cannot be concerned with other people at this moment.  I do care for other people, I do worry about other people; it doesn't reflect in my actions.  Scripted in my mind is this process that is taking up massive amounts of mental energy, I need to kill it now.

Focus on how I feel about a matter; take truthful actions.

*Turns up the keyboard back light* sometimes I still have to look at keys when I type, I am ashamed of this.

Today I woke up around 10:30am, I felt a slight burn in my throat from the Little Juan Burrito smothered in Cholula I had consumed right before I fell asleep while watching "the Big Bang theory". It's a sit-com my friend gave me. The first joke told in that series is about Port-au-Prince Haiti appearing in a crossword puzzle, weird coincidence. So far I like the show, it reminds me that I should harness my nerdism even more than ever.

I was at work most of the day, a rather boring day it was. I again suffered many distractions in the booth, rather than taking time to do important things, like work on pre-production for my film, or READ! I did listen to "Musashi Miyamoto's Book of Five Rings" on audiobook for the third time (Thanks Nate!). I feel the same instillment of vigor and guiding light as Hagakure did for me many years ago. I feel as if I am in school again, Musashi is my teacher. I am awfully good at taking direction from others, though I cannot direct my own life at my will, this makes me a bad student. The direction I need is in the Book of Five Rings, to apply the strategy's I find in this book are key for growth. The Way is in training.

I arrived at my apartment in the late evening. Opening the door I switch on the light, Helmut is sitting in a white canvas chair with a groggy look on her face, eyes squinting out the annoying overhead light. I give her a pat then walk into my bedroom to set my bag down on the ground, my bed has a huge pile of dirty laundry on it. I gaze at this pile and wonder if my sheets need to be cleaned too. The desk is cluttered with computer tower screws, IDE cabling, CD cases, Hard Drives etc...Left Front Pocket, Headphone cloth case, Burts Bees wax lip balm, house keys, change. Right Pocket, Iphone and then on the lip of this pocket I keep a Zebra: JapanF-402 ballpoint pen, it clicks.

On to my Project that I had been wanting to do for a long time. I created 1.33 masking for my 42" Plasma. I procured some black fabric that was used for a cover on a wooden cart that was at starz, the wooden cart was used for a display on how a 35mm projector worked. The projector that was displayed is now in my use for the short film "Cinemeccanica" I am working on, I figure the fabric was no longer needed on this cart.  After measuring and cutting the fabric to correct length, I used the factory edges of the fabric on the inner most side of the screen for a true straight line.  I used Gaff tape to attach the fabric to the back of the TV, I wanted to use hooks and weights but in reality this is a better way.  Gaff tape does not leave residue and is easily adjustable for different aspect ratio's.  This masking is easily detached, rolled up and stored behind the TV set.  Gaff tape is great at retaining it's stickiness even on hot things like TELEVISION SETS, especially plasma's.  It will take a few more minutes of prep work to watch a 1.33 film, but it will surly be worth it!

Next AV crisis.  My PS3.
I have had the Limited Edition MGS4 PS3(Gun Metal) for just about 2 years.  It's beautiful, I just love it.  Although it's very loud.  I did a lot of research today and I think I may have found out a solution, and the best part is that it's free! I just have to...
A: Gently take a Hand-vac and suck out dust as the PS3 is on, only around the vents.  no open PS3 surgery.
B: Place the PS3 HORIZONTALLY and not Vertically.  I was told by many people the vertical was the way to go.  I was enlightened with some heat camera shots of the PS3 placed Horizontally and Vertically.  Horizontally was visibly cooler, hands down.  *Note: When I first bought my PS3 it was Horizontal for a long time, and I don't remember even hearing it.  Now it's vertical, I want to kill myself. /Note*
C: Place 2 wood/metal blocks underneath the PS3 to increase airflow around vents.  *Important!* Place Carefully so that Helmut does not Knock it over!
D: Find a Place far away from TV.  As I stated before, Plasma monitors create a lot of Heat.

I had originally was thinking about buying an OPPO dvd player(The best) but, I really like how the PS3 handles DVD's.  Though, I'm sure OPPOS handle them better.  I just didn't want to drop 100+ dollars on a used one that's years and years old.  Nor did I want to buy a separate Blu-Ray player.  I hope this placement trick works, if it doesn't I might have to consider buying a cheaper upscaling DVD player, that has HDMI, Optical Digital out, AND plays PAL.

Things I am Excited about:
Receiving the 2 35mm rolls of film I took to get Developed.
Starting Aikido...Again.
Watching Movies
Fixing up BikeHeisei
Seeing how I do in the next Tekken tournament.
Getting Snow leopard for the New MBP so I can look at the footage I shot.
Getting back on track with Short Film.
Hanging out with buddies more, less girls. (sounds weird I know)
Focusing on being more introverted. (I never thought I would be saying that...Ever!)

I can feel a HUGE change coming along, whether it's good or bad.  I think I'll welcome it.

In the hour of the Ox, on the Twenty Fifth Day, of the First Month in the Twenty Second Heisei era.
-Christopher Charles Simpson

I need to update this, vent some stuff to the world might make me feel better. Though I'm not sad, I just feel I need to have an outlet for some ISH.

That said...

I'll update later :p When I'm at work....

I'm glad the weather is turning. Summer seemed to have lasted a very long time, the stale, over saturated afternoons in blinding heat. The sweat on my forehead was very apparent a lot of the time. When I'm walking around downtown with my heavy bag slung over my shoulder, a sweat strip covers my chest, then I notice a shadow in front of me. An unfamiliar shadow, the hair on this shadow is much crazier than that of shadows past, it has wings protruding from the sides.

I'm getting a little more excited to be in telluride, the weather is going to be excellent. I want to pack very light.
-No sketch pad, a moleskine will suffice with my one pen.
-No computer, my IBM 600x is a heavy heavy dinosaur.
-I think I will bring one camera, I was thinking about my whole camera bag. But who am I kidding, I wont be taking ANY photos up there. Maybe the occasional photo here and there but nothing on film or with a tripod. I wish I had my small Casio back from Cadi!
-I was going to print out my story and have people read it up there, but I think it's too grammitically incorrect to have serious inquires of funds read it. Besides, I'm going to fund it myself now. New laptop...you will be in my hands soon.
-Metal Water Bottle and my new Palm thermos.
-I will not be afraid to buy amenities while out there, if I need sunscreen I will buy it. That goes for shampoo and other things of that nature. I hope I'll have a place to stay.

I just really need to go up there and relax, watch film and let it consume me. I kinda wish I was driving up there by myself. Oh well, car is broke and I'm broke.

What I REALLY need to do is figure out what music to put on my mac to put on my Iphone, I might take my Ipod I got from Julius up there just in case.

Tonight and tomorrow, my excitement will take off! when I get ready to go somewhere like telluride I like to put on music and just pack away.

Then sometime in early Oct I want to go to Las Vegas again and visit someone. I wish I was there now, actually.

I'm not sure what it is, but whenever I think about doing something productive or something that I should/need/want to do a split second later I don't want to do it. It reminds me of a Breaker switch in a breaker box that wont switch on all the way, you try to flip it then it just springs back to off.

Ugh! Maybe it's depression? maybe I need to change something in my life. I'm not even that excited to go to Telluride this year. I know feelings of loneliness will swell inside of me when I'm standing in those long lines not talking to anyone, hoping they seat the theater so I can loose myself in yet another film.

I recently had a thing with a girl, she lives in another state I'm not sure where it will go. I feel like I have grown a substantial amount in the past months getting to know her, I have caught a glimpse of what a relationship is suppose to be. A quality of intimacy has erupted from this, it seems too pure. I honestly don't feel a thing for any other girl right now, it's so so strange. I know it's early, and my brain might be flooded with Serotonin. I know what I have with this girl isn't perfect, this could be an intrigue. there is still so much to find out to see if in fact we could be together for awhile.

I got some new sheets, Helmut pissed on them. Her hair is really getting on my nerves. Bah! it can't be helped, I need to deal with it accordingly, sweep everyday and vacuum.

My script is finally finished, I am in the process of spreading it around. I am thinking about printing out a lot of copies and giving them to certain people in Telluride, maybe to get some funds to make it? Eh?

Also, very hush hush(KrsJin) I think I'm gonna make a hype vid...it'll be like an old Horror Film trailer, or maybe a Kung-Fu trailer. I need to scope out how long it'll be and a script.

Yes I do Yes I do.

I am surviving off of popcorn and soda for today.
No explosions for me, only maybe after work I will go out and explode some M-150s I got in Wyoming last year. Maybe those little blackcat tanks too.

I went pool hopping last night after getting drunk at Matt Browns house. I wanted to forget how I missed out on my Dad's BBQ for a Arvada'n Wolf obsessed Woman's food tasting/kitchen ware appliance selling party, the cake was really good though. Don't feel bad Mark, you'll make it up to me by us watching Happy Together! :D

I don't know what to concentrate on.
Short Film
Girls
Design Logo for EFL.
Cleaning apt
or
Aikido.

This Day, I am picking my thumb skin, I need to stop it.

What the fuck.

Just standing there, not doing anything.

Not speaking, standing. Squat!

Too many mind, I don't voice who i am...Maybe I should suspend my disbelief and just indulge my ego. Just like EVERYONE else.

blah blah blah funny, me me me...

I should become MUTE, introverted, and alien.

Socialize! Yippie! Cunt stains...